Cubicle to Fit-ish

How a wimp becomes fit(ish)

A fat-bottomed bob can change your life…

Mental Health Week Update:
Well, I found some new shoes.  Caught up on sleep.  I’ve cut my hair.  Found some shirts.  Drove around a lot.

But, do I feel any different?
Actually, I do.  Getting my hair cut always makes me feel like a better version of myself, even if my bangs are crooked or my layers freaking out (hey, that’s what curly hair does when not treated with respect). 

It’s the coerced way of looking at myself differently.

I don’t always see myself – I see my mistakes, my failures, my bad choices, everything wrong multiplied. 

A new haircut always looks so foreign that I see, for a moment, what I look like right then and there.  Simply, me.  And that is what is inspiring me for the rest of the week and as long as I can hold onto that moment.

So, I haven’t worked out.  And, I haven’t eaten super well. But…  Monday, my guy and I went to a diner for breakfast and then ran around taking pictures of Fort Revere; it was fun and creative (and all without the benefit of a shower and fresh makeup).  Then, we took Remy to a state park and explored.  And, it was awesome.

Yes, our cable and internet were our until today.  I don’t know if we would have gone if we had it back, but I’m so gratefully for being pushed out of my couch-tv-eat-sleep routine…  This is what I needed.  This is who I want to be.

Today, I got a fat-bottomed bob.  How can I not call this vacation a success when even the name of my haircut is freaking awesome?

And, it’s only Wednesday.  I still have 4 more days off…


September 7, 2011 Posted by | back story, my hair, photography, Remy, Who am I? | , , | Leave a comment

5 Things I’m Loving Right Now Friday #2

Another attempt to see the good, rather than focus on what is wrong and SMILE MORE.  And, what better day than Friday to think about things that make you happy?

  1. Doctor Who comes back tomorrow night.  I am way too excited.  If there was a number before 1, I would make it that.
    • As I’ve said, I love my shows.  My relationship with them is more romantic than my actual relationship (that isn’t a burn; I’m totally happy with my guy); I see the show…  I try to pretend I’m not that into it – but, I start stalking blogs, reviews, fan sites… then, I just dive whole-heart into it and devote countless hours into watching, re-watching, reviewing, and obsessing.  It is who I am.
    • Doctor Who is the epitome of this for me.  The history, the humor, the accents…  I could go on and on comparing Doctors and plot lines, but I’ll keep it to a. Love the Weeping Angels; b. Like the dark, fairy tale-ish, stories about stories and legends focus the Moffat years have done so far; c. did not LOVE the past Christmas special; d. I don’t think you can compare Tennant and Smith as the show seems so completely set in a different world; e. I kind of miss when the Daleks and Cyber Men were not around all the freaking time – they used to be special and now, when they show up, it is like “whatever….;” f. I don’t pretend to know everything about the old school Doctors – but think understanding the show’s history gives all of it more meaning.
    • I got a TARDIS cookie jar for Christmas last year.
    • I hold people hostage and try to get them as obsessed as I am.  I mean Let’s Kill Hitler?! How could you NOT want to watch that?
  2. Progress!  Even though my boot camp test didn’t go quite as planned (more on that next week), I’ve noticed that certain exercises are getting easier for me.  Burpees (my idea of hell as it involves jump squatting AND a plank) are actually being done in succession, rather than jumping at the end of one and gasping for air for a bit.  I can also jump back into plank and forward into the crouched squat with both feet – before, all I could do was step back and forth with one foot at a time, which looses a lot of the benefits…  I can also get through the warm up much better – one minute of jumping jacks isn’t as bad as I though it was…
  3. Trader Joe’s Seedless Grape Medley: I know… I know… the link is to the duet – but, I got the medley with the green, red and dark purple grapes and it was like heaven.  I am not a big fruit or veggie person, but I ate these all week for dessert and they were delicious!  Baby steps…
  4. DVR’s:
    • I have always needed a lot of alone time.  I am not a naturally social person.  I like going to the movies by myself.  I like reading.  I like watching my shows without interruption.  I am lucky to have found friends and a guy who are cool with this.  And it isn’t that I need to be alone ALL OF THE TIME – I just need to have independent time to just have my thoughts.
    • This is something that becomes heightened during stressful or bad times.  When I was depressed in my 20’s, I used to plan out my life by what was on tv.  I couldn’t miss The West Wing, so Wednesdays were not a night I would plan anything on.  And there was SOMETHING on every night.  Even if it was fun and awesome and I mean, honestly, Lindsay, they have repeats for a reason!!!  But, I stayed in.  All the time.  It wasn’t healthy.
    • I am much better now (growing up and having an actual life helps a lot), but I still get sad if I miss my shows.  The DVR has changed my life.  I can watch, and re-watch, my shows WHENEVER I WANT!
    • And, this may seem super shallow, but I’m not ashamed.  Everyone has things that they irrationally love.  A sports team.  Church.  Shopping.  Mine just happens to be movies and tv shows.
  5. Jasper Fforde’s Thursday Next series (and how Jasper Fforde spells his name): I’m a reader (big surprise).  I used to have blog where I talked about the books I re-read every year (there are about 100 of them).  The Thursday Next series are included in that.  There are in-jokes for Lit Lovers and fans, but the plots themselves (and, well, there are a lot of them) are just so well done and interesting.  These books don’t get boring and you don’t have to be a die-hard Lit freak to get something out of them.  And, “Fforde” is just a great spelling of such a simple name.  The extra F and E just make me smile.

No boot camp this Saturday, so I am hoping to rest my ankle and toe, get some actual rest (see what I did there?) and survive the hurricane without feeling like I was mainlining cereal the whole time…

Hi, my name is Lindsay and I have a Wheat Chex problem…

August 26, 2011 Posted by | 5 Things I’m Loving Right Now Friday, back story, Books, boot camp, Doctor Who, General Nerdiness, smile more goals, Who am I? | , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I Need to Focus on my 80%

I keep gaining weight.  I know it’s just five pounds and, in the long run, it won’t matter, but I am super-frustrated.  Not at the five pounds.  At myself.

For the longest time, I kept telling myself it was muscle.  Like, “I’m not at a plateau, I’m just gaining SO MUCH muscle from boot camp that it is negating my weight loss because I’m so out of shape.”  Or, “I gained weight this week, but it’s muscle.  I can tell.”

I can’t tell.  And I don’t think it is muscle, anymore.  It’s my eating habits.

I’ve been working out consistently for the first time in my life.  I go to boot camp twice a week.  I run at the gym on Tuesdays.  I wear my pedometer and try and be as active as I can (even walking around my work in this freaking humidity so that my hair looks like the love child between a perm and an unkempt potted plant).  I actually like exercising.  I look forward to boot camp.  I get excited when I can finally do a curl and press with the 12lb weights and get them both pressed at the same time (up until Saturday, I had to lift one at a time because I thought I’d crack my head open – HUGE win!).  When I run at the gym, I am super-hyped because I am RUNNING!  Not walking.  It is awesome and I love it.

But I keep gaining weight.

It was both vanity and my desire to be fit(ish) that pushed me to start eating better and begin working out (6 months of being weak and sick with vacation pics where I was 40lbs heavier are great motivators, haha).  I joined WW Online.  I started (and stopped and started and stopped) walking on a treadmill at the gym.  I made an effort.  Then, my workouts got kicked up a notch when I joined boot camp and I’ve been really consistent ever since with the working out.  But, WW gets old for me and I start lying on my tracker (or not tracking at all).  Then, I stop bringing my lunch and go back to having cheezits and fig newtons or potato chips and oreos.  Then, I make cereal a dessert and it is no wonder I am gaining weight.

I keep reading that losing weight is 20% what you put in at the gym and 80% what you put into yourself (which fuels what your body does before, during, and after the gym).  I need to start focusing on what I am eating so I don’t slide back to where I was.  But, I love food.  I watch food tv every afternoon.  I am trying to learn how to cook (trying and learn being the operative words – who knew you could roast a chicken upside down?!).  I don’t want to become super manic about what, when, and how I eat, but I need to find a way to eat better food.  Real food.  That doesn’t come out of box.

I’m easing into this.  Extremes are not my friend.  This week, I am focusing on bringing my lunch every day (yay chicken and veggies) and not having cereal for dinner.  Next, I am going to read up on whole food based eating plans.  I don’t want to give up yummy food (or bread.  Or dessert.  Or cookies.), I just want to eat BETTER yummy food.

We’ll see.  At least I know I’m the problem.  Now I need to be the solution.

August 8, 2011 Posted by | a case of the Mondays, back story, boot camp, guilt, my hair, Running, Who am I? | , , | 2 Comments

I Totally Ran!

I’ve read so many articles about how you should identify yourself as an athlete to feel more like one; it motivates you to think “I am a cyclist,” even if you can barely make it down the street with training wheels.  It just never worked for me.  I never stick with things long enough to feel strong enough to be a something.  I was stuck in a simile (I am LIKE a runner, except that I am walking), rather than being a metaphor…

When I was training for the 5K last summer and fall, I never even felt like a runner.  It was so disappointing to keep trying to actually run (or jog), and just fail at it time after time.  Maybe I needed to be more dedicated to my C25K plan, but I could never run for more than 45 seconds – and it was more like run for 45 seconds, walk for 10 minutes, run for 30 seconds, walk to my car…

The 5K was in October and was the beginning of me being really sick.  I walked the whole thing and ended up in another bunch of tests, specialists, hives, ensure, etc. that lasted through the winter.  I lost a whole lot of weight, but I lost a lot of my strength (and there wasn’t a lot to begin with!), as well.  Coming out of it, I did join Weight Watchers online and went to the gym sporadically.  All I did there, though, was walk on the treadmill.  I never pushed myself.

Then, six weeks ago, I started bootcamp.  After our first promotion test last week – we find out if we passed tonight – I could see a little difference from where I started.  I did a lot more sit-ups; I held a plank for almost a minute without my booty in the air.  My attitude was “maybe I get promoted, maybe I don’t.”  I can see myself improving.

But, I guess the universe always surprises us when we least expect it.  I decided to go back to the gym 1 or 2 times a week because a) I’m paying for it and b) I think 2 promotions up we have to start going to bootcamp 3 times a week and I am so not ready for that physically.  I feel like I lose a lot of progress Saturday-Wednesday when I am not exercising.  Last Tuesday, I went to Planet Fitness (and it was empty – YAY good weather) and mosey up to my favorite treadmill (back corner).  For some reason, I decided to try running, just to see how long I could go.  Why not?  I was supposed to be in better shape.  1 minute went by… then 2… then 3… and, well, you get the picture.  I ran for 5 straight minutes.  It was like a miracle.  I alternated running for 5 minutes and walking for 2 or 3 minutes for 45 minutes and it was such a huge moment for me.  I totally was a runner.  I wished I had more celebratory music on my IPOD for the occasion…  Adele and Bo Burnham were not cutting it

Hopefully the good vibes will carry over to class tonight.  No matter what happens, I am fitter (or –isher) than I was, and that is what is important.  I don’t care about promotions or placing in races or any of that – I just want to be stronger and healthier.  YAY JUNE!

June 23, 2011 Posted by | back story, boot camp, Running | 2 Comments

Hot Mess on a Sunday

I was a hot, hot mess this weekend.  And not in the fun “I ate and drank my way through a celebratory yada, yada, yada…”

On Friday, my mom fell and broke her femur.  She had a torn quad that was messing with her balance and has Rheumatoid Arthritis, which makes your bones weak and tripped over potted plants that she bought at a church plant sale.  It scared the holy crap out of me (and not just because it happened in front of a church).  I’ve always looked at this health journey that I am on as something I SHOULD do, but if I don’t get around to it… meh.  What is really going to happen?  And, you would think having something happen to a parent would really hit home with me and make me WANT to be much healthier.  

You would think that.  But, I gained most of my weight when my mom was hospitalized with pneumonia for the better part of 3 months in 2009.  I eat my feelings, as well as feelings I think other people should be having.  I’ve worked really hard to stop that, and I am doing so much better (30lbs down!), but the minute my mom fell, it was like “Thank God I have an excuse to have McDonald’s and bread and cookies…”  That is how my brain works. I am the queen of excuses.

BUT, instead of letting myself slide into that pit of deliciousness, I kept it in scope.  I made chocolate chip cookies, but only had 3 and got rid of the rest of them.  I still went to Bootcamp and learned how to throw elbows and a basic knee.  I made sure I got the sleep I need.  And, yes, I backslid on the Diet Coke thing, but I am officially trying to get off of it again (my stomach was SO not happy this weekend) and back on my vitamins and supplements and all that fun stuff.

 And Bootcamp went super well this weekend.  It was a Thai class on Saturday, so we worked on knees and elbows.  For some reason, I really got the elbows.  Still having trouble pivoting with the kicks.  Apparently, our first test is going to be next week.  I need to work on my planks (now that I don’t look like a drawbridge with my booty in the air during them) and my endurance. 

 Like I told my mom, we can’t change the past.  All we can do is change our actions and reactions.  So my initial reaction to her being in the hospital may have been to stuff my face; my subsequent reactions are on a better track to pull myself together and make myself stronger so I may not have to go through what she is going through in 30 years or so.


  • Monday: 60 second plank and plan meals
  • Tuesday: DVD with medicine ball (remember, a pillow is not a good medicine ball replacement…)
  • Wednesday: Jump rope and 60 second plank
  • Thursday: Bootcamp
  • Friday: Jumping jacks and 60 second plank
  • Saturday: Bootcamp
  • Sunday: Rest and plan meals

Diet Cokes This Weekend: You don’t want to know

Diet Cokes Today: 1 – and that’s all I’m having!

June 5, 2011 Posted by | back story, boot camp, Diet Coke | Leave a comment

Where I’ve been and where I’m heading…

I’ve never been what you’d call active.  The last regular exercise that I did was when I was a semi-professional figure skater from the ages 3-8, and even that mostly involved laying on the ice after a fall.  And it never really bothered me.  I’m a proud nerd and I would much rather be watching my tv shows, a movie, or reading than moving, or, ick, sweating.

However, my lack of physical coordination and general wimpy-ness have become more pronounced now that I am in my early thirties.  Even as a theater major in undergrad, I leaned more towards the vocal and written aspects of theater and struggled when having to move.  I’m a klutz.  I walk into walls and trip while walking.  Even with my more physical jobs (cashiering can be hard work, especially at a big box tool depot), I was never all that strong.  I do it all wrong.  I lift with my back, I look down when I walk, and, for the longest time, I just didn’t care.

Until, that is, I got sick.  Three years ago, I had a really bad year.  I work in a cubicle, which was so much better than cashiering near an open door in the winter.  My mother got super sick, my grandfather died after a long illness, and my uncle died.  As I always have, I started to eat my feelings.  My day started with a diet coke and cheetoes, continued on to another diet coke with some cheezits and fig newtons, and ended with not 1, but 2 dinners (the McDonalds’ two cheeseburger meal I would eat by myself and the actual dinner I would eat with my boyfriend when he got home).

Mind you, I have ALWAYS eaten like a child and always been at a healthy weight, even as a full-fleged adult with a Master’s degree, a house, and a puppy (although, I do realize now that I was one of those “thin fat people” who have no muscle).  This time, though, my age had caught up with me and I packed on 40 pounds in a year.  We have no full length mirrors in the house, though, so I lived in denial, even as my pants became tighter and my shirts slightly inappropriate.

You would think that 2010 was the year that I stopped the madness, but, no.  It wasn’t to be.  After a scary and stressful semester at the community college I teach night classes at, I tried to change my ways.  I started a couch to 5K program.  I thought (REALLY, REALLY THOUGHT) about joining Weight Watchers… then, I got sick.  I spent the rest of 2010, and the first months of 2011, either with feet and ankles swollen to zombie like proportions, massive stinging hives all over my body, or throwing up literally everything I ate.

So I lost some weight by the time 2011 hit (almost 25 lbs), but I was still that same person, weak and scared with so many failures to my name.  Something in me, though, had changed.  I wanted to be healthier and fitter (or fit-ish) and STRONG.  So, once I was feeling closer to normal, I tried to go back to the gym and I joined Weight Watchers online.  BUT, I lost my will power for the gym quickly, and Weight Watchers only works if you don’t lie to yourself (I am so bad at tracking…).

Instead of falling down into the same horrible habits (a bad meal = a bad day = a bad week = a bad month = a bad year), I picked myself up and gave myself a strict talking to.  I can’t keep taking care of and worrying about everyone else; I need to fix me.  So I joined a boot camp mixed martial arts class for women 3 weeks ago and am restarting my eating lifestyle changes in a more manageable way for me.  I am hoping this blog will keep me motivated and honest, as well as be a record of the sad place I was (and am) at all the way to the better place that I can get to!

May 23, 2011 Posted by | back story, boot camp, sweating, wimpy-ness | Leave a comment